am i still ill?

Hi everyone (realistically 2 or 3 of you), sorry for the lack of updates.

I've been wanting to post something a little more sentimental and "meaningful".. but as i type it up, i just erase it and plan to write in in my moleskine, but i never do, because i have this weird mental thing where i believe writing it in ink makes it more permanent.

currently i am just reflecting on how in these past 2 years, i have lost many friends, gained many friends and perhaps made a few enemies.

As of late, life has been throwing wrenches in the pot, by allowing me to have really awkward run ins with people of my past, and i dont know if the big man/woman upstairs is trying to taunt me, test me, or tell me something.

I have taken the past 2 years and became my own person, independent of these people who i have left behind. I am grown accustomed to their absence, from my life, that often times, the only time i miss or have any sort of feeling toward them is when i remember that they exist.

It is unfair, because although i do feel badly that i have not salvaged these friendships, i cannot imagine us being friends as we once were. the circumstances are different, there are biases against me, and in the back of their minds, i know they are thinking ill of me. I tried once, but it was too hard, and frankly I didnt want to put in the effort. Not saying they are not worth it, I just didnt want to try. I expected them to try, but they didnt. Maybe thats my downfall.

Now I am doing my own thing, i have found myself, and have found happiness in who i am, and where i am. At this point, I'm letting go, just as i had to previously, and letting the chips fall where they may. I am not opposed to the idea of becoming friends with these people again... but i am weary... not enough time has past.

Until then, i will focus on the present, focus on those who i am blessed to have in my life right now, and most importantly focus on myself, and my own well being, and everything will end out alright.